I have felt this way, at times.  It reminds me of back when I studied Theatre at University, we considered Théâtre de l’Absurde (Theatre of the Absurd), which basically posited that the Universe is godless and that Life (in our existence as humans) has no meaning.

Playwrights who wrote from this philosophy that jump to mind include Samuel Beckett (Waiting for Godot, Endgame), Eugene Ionesco (The Bald Soprano), and even Charlie Chapman (who wrote, acted and directed for film).

It’s easy when we are just plugging along and we are unable to see the fruits of our labors in the moment to feel that “It” is all futility and meaninglessness.

Let me tell you about someone I met a few years ago (circa 2007), who’s experience I think about whenever I’m feeling a little weary:

So, when I was a kid, I couldn’t resist a good dare.  Even now, I have to think twice.

But, can you imagine yourself as a 6-year-old playing around an electrical substation and then deciding to climb into it — on a dare?

Worse, can you imagine subsequently being shocked by 17,000 volts that effectively stopped your heart, falling on your chest and miraculously defibrillating yourself?

What if you lost your right arm as a result?

That’s something I can’t imagine, but it’s exactly what happened to Jason Quick, who has an inspirational act where he juggles knives, tennis balls, and rubber chickens.

Quick is not just a lucky survivor.  He’s still here for a reason.

“I was given a gift growing up.  I was supported in not giving up on myself.  My mom was in on that gift, and my dad, my grandparents and some of my teachers.  I want to let people know there are amazing things they can do if they don’t give up on themselves.”

What an inspiring example Quick is.

But the real lesson — whether you have all of your limbs or not — is what an inspiring example you are.

Do you know that?

If you’re having trouble, how would you show up differently in your life if you did know how amazing and inspiring you are?

Do you want to see Jason perform?  This YouTube video is just under 10 minutes:

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“Never Give Up” flickr image by Frerieke, used under a Creative Commons license

“The most important words we say all day are the words we say to ourselves, about ourselves when we are alone by ourselves.”

Boy, isn’t that the truth.

Our mind is going a mile a minute, and since we are often our own worse critic, it’s easy to let our mind fill us up right quickly with how silly, stupid, ignorant and dumb we are.

That reminds me….I have to thank a dear friend (and former client) of mine, Whitney Dickinson-Anderson who once caught me in the act of self-deprecation.

I don’t remember what I’d done or said to provoke the comment, but in response I said something like “That was stupid.  Shut up, Tshombe.”

“Don’t say that,” Whitney said.

“Oh, sorry.  I wasn’t telling you to shut up.  I was telling me to shut up.”

“That’s what I mean.  Don’t tell my friend, Tshombe, to shut up.”

Wow.  What a lesson.  I would never tell anyone else they were stupid or tell them to shut up.  Why would I treat myself so poorly?

I just opened to Denis Waitley‘s short essay entitled “The Most Important Meetings You’ll Ever Attend Are the Meetings You Have with Yourself,” which is one of a hundred other articles compiled and edited by David Riklan in a collection called 101 Great Ways to Improve Your Life.

One of Denis Waitley’s treasures include this thought:

Be aware of the silent conversation you have with yourself.  Are you a nurturing coach or a critic?  Do you reinforce your own success or negate it?  Are you comfortable saying to yourself “That’s more like it.” “Now we’re in the groove.”  “Things are working out well.”  “I am reaching my financial goals.”  “I’ll do it better next time.”

Yes, it’s easy to get bogged done in what’s not working, but starting down that path is a never-ending downward spiral.  One of the keys to mastering our mind (rather than it having mastery over us) is to choose to focus on what is working and do more of that.

Along a similar vein, I had a discussion with a man who did not like the town where he was living.  He felt stuck there, with no quick way out, and found himself depressed and frustrated.  This person was on a list that would allow him to move to a larger city with more resources, but since he was number 40 on the list, it could be months or even years before he made it to the top of the list.

You probably can relate to feeling stuck in a certain situation and seeing no easy way out.

I asked him what he liked about this town.  After a very short time, he came up with several things that he not only liked, but loved (his word) about the town.  Not only that, we came up with several creative ways he could do more of what he loved and help others at the same time.

You could see the light bulbs of possibility come on!

He released himself of his limited worldview and found in its place freedom and joy.  His life situation was no longer a place to feel frustrated or stuck.  Instead, he learned to focus on what’s-working-energy, releasing himself from the prison of his mind.

What words are you saying to yourself?

Are you concentrating on what’s amazing about you and what is working in your life?

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Image Credit:  Self-portrait (“mono“) of Victor Bezrukov, used under a Creative Commons license

December is always Member Appreciation Month, so a few years ago (2007) we hosted Motivational Speaker, Bonnie Dean, as a special treat for the members.

She had many powerful things to say about lifting people up and the tremendous power of honoring the greatness we see in others (and ourselves) at every opportunity.

The concept that really stuck with me was to think of ourselves as human highlighters by proactively looking for here we can bring out the best in people.

We use highlighters to emphasize, make something stand out.  We highlight things that are important to us, that we want to draw attention to.

In a world Bonnie describes as “high tech and low touch,” seeking what is wonderful about others and then telling them so is the beautiful way of inspiration.

Sometimes it’s easier to consistently see what is good and wonderful about strangers than with the people we’re most intimate with, like our own family. . . or even with our most valued clients, colleagues, referral partners or employees.

Esther Hicks addresses this concept with the advice to “orientate yourself to the best part of those people around you.”

She suggests getting a notebook and making a list of all of the positive aspects of the people you spend a lot of time with.

The result?

“The things you like the most about them, those people will become that mostly to you.”

I think this may be most powerful when we find ourselves in the company on a regular basis that we find frustrating, annoying, or stressful to be around.

Consciously embracing the idea of being a human highlighter — deliberately enumerating what is great and wonderful about other people in your sphere of influence and concentrating on those things (and even telling them about those things) — changes the focus from stress to joy, even respect and appreciation.

I love the way Esther Hicks sums up the matter (I’m not sure that I have the quote exactly right, but the essence is there) in a segment from The Secret.  It’s great, because sometimes we destroy or sacrifice our own joy by being consumed with the notion that we are somehow dependent on others in order to be happy.

“If you knew your potential to feel good, you’d ask no one to be different so you could feel good.  You would free yourself of all that cumbersome impossibility of needing to control the world or control your mate or control your child.  You’re the only one who creates your reality.  It’s all you.  Only you.”

Don’t you agree that Esther’s approach is more refreshing?

How in your life are you a human highlighter?  How can you more consciously operate in the world from this perspective?

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Image by Quinn Dombrowski, used under a Creative Commons license (Attribution-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic)

I bet no one’s ever asked you that question before!

If you’re looking to influence change in yourself or in anyone else, knowing the difference makes ALL the difference in the world.

Listen to this short audio (4 minutes, 42 seconds) I recorded to discover which one you are — Rock or Bird — and its implications for creating change that is natural, easy, and (nearly) effortless.

_ _ _
Image by Juan Tello, used with permission under a Creative Commons License

My hunch, though, is that you will be able to relate.

And my hope is that it offers some inspiration to you, as it does me to revisit it.

It most certainly illustrates that being a Magnetic Entrepreneur is not always Apple Pie and Sugarplum Fairies.

(I don’t know where I got that. It just popped into my head.)

Let me know how this personal story lands with you. I’d love to hear it!

– Tshombe

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2008 June 3

At a networking meeting yesterday morning, I made a confession.

It wasn’t particularly easy to say, but what I think stops people in their tracks and keeps people “stuck” is the feeling that they are all alone, that they are the only one experiencing the thing, and that no one would understand.

My challenge in the past has been not wanting to be perceived as a complainer.  Who wants to hear my troubles anyway?

So, I find myself yet again plugging away — struggling, really — on my own.  Not exactly what I’d call fun.

Have you ever felt that way?

With the population of the world numbering into the billions, there’s a good chance that whatever it is we may be struggling with, someone else is struggling with the same thing.

So I threw caution (and trepidation) to the wind and decided a couple of days ago that I would make my confession on Monday.

What was my big confession?

That I felt like a complete LOSER (with a capital L) all week last week.

I felt like I was behind the 8 ball at every turn, running around like a chicken with its head cut off, and really not quite understanding what was going on.  I also was physically dragging all week, generally feeling very tired and lethargic.  One day last week, I took two naps!

I also found myself not getting anything done that I had planned to do to further my business, so I felt not a little bit depressed and disappointed with myself.

On Friday, I had a chat with my accountability partner, during and after which I felt like even more of a loser.  He only spoke truth, confirming that I had accomplished very little of what I committed to accomplishing that week.

He was neither harsh nor lacking in compassion, but he didn’t pull any punches either.

I don’t know about you, but getting punched doesn’t feel very good.

So, feeling crushed and wanting to crawl under a rock and die, I opened a book and read the line in C.J. Hayden’s Get Clients Now! book that gave me a different, better perspective:

“There is no failure, only feedback.”

So, relieved, I exhaled.

And then I picked myself up, recommitted, and stepped back on my path.

(photo credit: Julie, AKA “autumn_bliss”; license: CC BY-SA 2.0)

Maybe you’ve heard (or even said yourself!) something like, “She made me so angry,” or “Those rambunctious, disrespectful kids make me anxious,” or “I feel worried about whether I’ll have a job tomorrow because the economy is so bad.”

Both the allure and the trap is if our situation or emotions are dependent on the whim of someone or something else, we don’t have any control over anything.

Which also means we don’t have to take responsibility for it, either.

Let’s take Anger, for example.

Another client was telling me that he stopped going to counseling because the therapist kept telling him that he had to stop getting angry, that anger was bad.  This labeling of any emotion as bad is not helpful, since what is repressed eventually gets expressed, whether we like it or not.

I bring this up in the context of this blog because Magnetism or Attraction is all about emotions.  If you’re having anger issues in your personal life, you will (if you haven’t already) have anger issues when interacting with coworkers, managers, and/or clients and colleagues.

Let me tell you about an incident that illustrates why the client’s former therapist may have offered this judgment about anger.

A few years ago, I was at the gym doing some cardio. I had my headphones on watching Good Morning America on one of the many television screens they have there at the gym.

A story came on about a young man who got into an argument with a woman and became so upset that he pushed her under a bus, whereupon she was killed instantly. Now he’s facing charges of second-degree manslaughter.

Initially I thought that this was a powerful lesson on how important it is to control our anger. Yet, on further consideration, it occurred to me that what happened in this case was not because of anger, but because of the subsequent very unacceptable actions.

I am probably not the only one who has witnessed sales professionals, professional business people, and entrepreneurs become blind with anger, spitting senseless epithets or coming to near blows because of some perceived injustice.

Not very inspirational or magnetic, let me tell you!

But, it’s not the anger that’s the problem. Anger, after all, is a very natural emotion.

I am reminded of Adam Kahn’s analysis of whether anger is useful, and he gives a very logical argument in favor of anger — and all of our emotions, really. He offers the point of view that emotions are a natural feedback mechanism. As such, we have little choice whether we feel the emotion (except when we try to repress it).

However, the choice comes when we decide how to respond to the emotion. To give a related example, if you fall and scrape your knee or if you place your hand on hot stove, it isn’t possible to choose not to experience the pain.

But we can choose to pursue healing, rather than rubbing salt in the wound.

For all I know, perhaps the man who shoved the woman under the bus (Can you even believe that?!) may have been justified in his anger. We’ll never know because he chose to rub salt in the wound over healing salve.

The inspiration is found in the choice to heal. How can you choose this for yourself?

It may not initially be easy, particularly if you have a history of choosing to let anger express itself unproductively.

But practice makes it easier.

As Adam Kahn points out, the “sanest response to anger is to calm down. And then think . . . [rather than perpetuate] the hateful, angry, self-righteous actions of this world.”

Rather than resist the emotion, notice it. Feel it.

Imagine asking yourself in the moment of feeling this uncomfortable feeling, “What is there in this specific set of circumstances that’s causing me grief that is inspiring and loving?”

It may sound hokey, but there is always something to love in everyone and everything.   So assume this is true, especially in these angry moments.

What is absolutely hilarious in this moment?

How can you choose healing salve over rubbing salt deep(er) in the wound?

(Image by Chris Willis, CC BY 2.0)

In fact, it kept telling her that she hadn’t lost a thing, and some days (God forbid!) it told her she’d gained a pound or two.

(The truth is that eating the right foods in the right amounts, along with cardiovascular exercise and strength training may in fact maintain or increase scale weight when in fact improvement has been made in heart health and loss of body fat.)

Have you ever had this experience?

If you have, you’d agree that it is a far cry from being inspirational (Who wants a little inanimate object to dictate whether this is a good day or a bad day, anyway?).

Around the same time as this conversation I was having with my sister, I had planted some flower bulbs in a pot on the deck of my home. I used quality soil, and I made sure it had full sun and adequate water.

The funny thing is that the next day when I went out to look at the pot, there still wasn’t any flowers. Same story the day after that. AND the day after that.

Truth be told, it was a couple of weeks before I noticed the first green sprout.

Wouldn’t you think it a little ridiculous if I gave up after a couple of days, convinced that nothing was happening and pissed that there were no flowers yet?

We don’t have difficulty understanding that growth is actually occurring even though the present reality would have us think otherwise, as far as planting a seed or a bulb is concerned.
Why do we have such a hard time when we are working toward losing weight or buying a house or getting a new job or coming up with the money to pay a bill or finding the love of your life or achieving any other measure of success and joy and happiness?

Know that over 90% of everything in the world is created long before you or I see any physical evidence of it.

It makes me think of a verse from the days when I was a student of the Bible, Hebrews 11:1.

Maybe you know it?

• “Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” (New International Version)
• “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” (Revised Standard Version)
• “Faith is the assured expectation of things hoped for, the evident demonstration of realities though not beheld.” (New World Translation)

I’d say this turns on its head the saying “Seeing is Believing,” unless we interpret it to mean Seeing with the Mind’s Eye.

You and I have got to believe it before we see it.

Yet, clarifying your direction is SUPER important, and here’s why:

Suppose you need glasses to see well, but you decide you’re not going to wear them.  They’re too ugly or too much of a hassle or some reason you have for not wearing them.

So, you get in the car and start driving down the road.  You kinda know where you’re going, but the problem is, you can’t really make out the street signs.

Do you suppose you have just increased the likelihood of getting lost?

People do this all the time.

They think they don’t need absolute clarity.  They think they don’t have time to sit down and map it out or that it’s going to be a hassle or something.  So, they vaguely set out without the proper “proverbial eye glasses prescription” and then lament where they end up.

Moral of the story?

Put your glasses on.   Clarify your direction.   Know where you’re going.

What?  You already know that?

Dr. Robert Anthony has an answer for you (and me, too!):  “Your life will not change because you know what to do.  It will change when you do what you know.”

Isn’t it interesting that buying and selling is what makes the world go ’round, and so many entrepreneurs and sales professionals persist in struggling with the whole idea of “having” to sell.

I believe much of this has to do with the Myth of the Used Car Salesman in the Popular Imagination.

It’s the image of a sleazy swindler, trying to take you for all you’ve got.  He’s pushy, manipulative, and is only concerned with one thing, and that’s making sure he makes the sell no matter what.  It doesn’t matter that you don’t even want what he’s selling.

How magnetic or attractive is that?

It’s little wonder people in business for themselves who consider themselves ethical and heart-centered are uncomfortable with selling, and don’t particularly want to refer to themselves as a salesperson.

As I’ve said, I call this the Used Car Salesman Myth.

Is this image true?

Well, myths are considered true or false depending on whose belief system we’re talking about.  For example, we are familiar with the Greek Myths, as in the trials and triumphs of Zeus, Aphrodite, Odysseus, etc.  In modern times, some might refer to the Great Deluge in the Days of Noah as a myth.

For our purposes, however, the truth value of the myth is not the point, or even that important.

It’s the fact that we act as if it were true.

There’s another example I’d like to share with you of this phenomenon.  It’s what I call The Management Myth.

I can stand in front of a group of business managers or CEOs or human resource professionals and put forth the assertion that the tradition top-down, hierarchical, rule-with-the-iron-fist model of management doesn’t work. Rather than motivate, it actually DE-motivates.

When I ask whether they agree, 100% of them affirm my assessment of the situation.

“This is great news,” I congratulate them.  ”But, I can guarantee that most of you — even though you agree with my assessment of the futility of managing in this way — most of you,” I repeat, “will go back to your offices or places of work and manage in accord with this proven ineffective model of management.”

“Either that, or you will fail to manage at all for fear of falling into the trap of the old paradigm I’m calling The Management Myth.”

Does this make sense to you why the truth value of a myth — including whether you and I consciously believe the myth — is of little or no consequence?

So it is with the Myth of the Used Car Salesman.

We struggle with sales and selling because are thoughts and feelings about the matter are incongruent.

We have to adopt a new internal story, a new Sales Myth paradigm.  And that means we must wake up and consciously choose in the moment to do and be something different.

Otherwise, the default is either to act like the Mythical Used Car Salesman acts (How many times have you caught yourself saying or doing something your parents said or did that you vowed you’d never repeat?!) or shy away from effectively selling your goods or services at all for fear you might come across like that Used Car Salesman.

Wake up!  Debunk the Myth!

Choose a new, more empowering sales story for yourself.

Great movie.  It’s a fun and entertaining animated feature for kids, and it is filled with powerful and inspiring messages for both young and older adults.

The Incredibles are a family of undercover superheros trying to live a “normal” life in quiet suburbia, but who discover a plan concocted by a self-made superhero (who calls himself Syndrome) to kill off the real “Supers” and take over the world.

The names of the Superhero Family are Bob Parr (Mr. Incredible), Helen Parr (Mrs. Incredible/Elastigirl), Dashiel “Dash” Parr (Bob and Helen’s son), and Violet Parr (Bob and Helen’s daughter).  There is also Jack Jack, who is the little baby of the family.

If you haven’t seen The Incredibles, here’s a cool trailer on YouTube (just under 2 minutes long) to pique your interest:

I was struck by two related scenes in particular.

The first on is at the end of Scene 4:

Helen is driving her son Dash home from school, following his having been sent to the principal’s office for placing a tack on his teacher’s chair.  Dash had used his superpowers of massive speed to place the tack on the teacher’s seat undetected.

Listen in on their conversation:

“But Dad always said our powers are nothing to be ashamed of, our powers made us special.”

“Everyone’s special, Dash.”

“Which is another way of saying no one is.”

The second scene is at the end of Scene 25:

The whole family (except for Jack Jack, who was left with a babysitter.  That’s a whole story in itself!) has been captured and is in chains, suspended from a wall.   Syndrome, the mastermind behind the plot to take over the world, stands before them.

Just before he exits, leaving The Incredibles chained and suspended, Syndrome eerily echoes Dash’s previously-expressed sentiment:

“I’ll sell my inventions so that everyone can be Super Heroes.  Everyone can be super. “

“And when everyone’s Super (chuckles; dramatic pause) . . . then no one will be.”

Both Dash and Syndrome have got it all wrong.  Even Helen could use a dose of clarity.

This is the problem many entrepreneurs and sales professionals encounter every day.  They tend to stifle themselves and play down their greatness.  Consciously or not, they are ashamed of their ‘special powers.’

They don’t want to stand out too much and inadvertently alienate someone.  At the same time, they want prospects to choose them over the “competition.”

Does this describe you?

Well, you can’t have it both ways.  If you refuse to embrace what makes you a “Super” (or you don’t even know what it is that makes you Super) and boldly incorporate that marketing message to the world, you prove Dash and Syndrome’s conclusions right:  Your destiny is to be forever lost in the sea of sameness.

And when prospects place two identical products or services side-by-side, there is only one thing to compete on:  Price.  Unless you’re Wal-Mart (“Always low prices.  Always.”), competing on price is a no-win situation; there will always be someone who can underbid you.

But, when you recognize “Everyone’s special,” the whole idea of competition becomes a ridiculous fiction.  There is no other you.

How can you compete against yourself?

The trick is discovering what Nancy Marmolejo calls Your “Profitable Essence,” and designing your business and your personal brand around that.

Michael Port (affiliate link) refers to it as “Your Quirks”, those qualities, values, and activities you love and are naturally drawn to that make you uniquely you.

After all, there are thousands of other businesses that do what you do.  People don’t do business with businesses; they do business with people.

And those people with whom they do business isn’t everyone on the planet.  You’ve heard it before:  ”People do business with people they know, like, and trust.”

The people who are attracted to you are attracted to YOU.

Didn’t you know everyone else is already taken?